A Father's Guide To The First Trimester

or All Hope Abandon Ye Who Enter Here

Nobody tells you about the first trimester of a pregnancy until it's too late.  The constant nausea, the mood swings, and the exhaustion is almost too much for one person to bear, plus she might be experiencing some discomfort as well.  Navigating the first trimester leaves many fathers feeling like a blind whitewater kayaker barreling down a shark-infested underground river in a leaky bucket with a ping-pong paddle to steer.  But it's your lucky day there, Sport.  I've been through it before and I just might be able to steer you clear of the pointier rocks in your path.

Her mood is changing all the time.  She used to just roll her eyes and scoff at your idiocy but now she realizes that the tiny life inside her is probably going to take after you to some degree.  I'm not going to say that's the only reason she's crying at the drop of a hat, but I'll bet it's right up there with sad songs, movies, and the more poignant cat food commercials.  Just be ready with a hand on her shoulder or a hug when her mood lifts enough that she can bear your touch.  She might act upset with you, she might even think she is upset with you, but these feelings will change.  If you can power through all of this without snapping back you will have built up enough good husband credits to cover at least one trip to Vegas with the boys and a handful of fantasy sports teams.

One of the causes of her bad mood, other than you of course, could be the phenomenon that in our household we refer to as "preggo brain".  This is when your normally responsible lady becomes as forgetful and bubble-headed as a wacky sitcom aunt.  It is during this stage where you make sure never to hand her anything important, like the remote or your car keys, because she will set it down in some place that only she knows exists, such as where new toilet paper rolls come from.  Then she will forget ever having held whatever object she has now lost for all eternity.  Perhaps she is getting it all out of her system.  That way nine months later you can hand her the baby with a reasonable confidence that it will not be misplaced.

Another effect of preggo brain is that her mouth becomes further disconnected from her brain.  You might think that this is no big deal, until you ask her opinion.  Allow me to give you a scenario:  You ask your wife if you should wear a specific red shirt and she answers "yes".  You put on said red shirt and when she sees you she sweetly reminds you that the shirt you are wearing makes you look like a pustulant sore on a rat.  The problem here is that you listened to what she said and not what she meant.  Single word answers don't count anymore.  What you should have done is ask her again, then double check to make sure.  This will annoy her to near-homicidal levels, but it is the only way to make sure you do what she wants.  There is no winning this scenario.  Either you do the wrong thing or you piss her off in finding the right thing to do.  Sorry.

Then there is the misnamed "morning sickness".  Perchance it was named thus due to the fact that it occurs only between 8:00 AM and 7:59 AM.  Who knows?  This is how her body drops the gauntlet and prepares to launch a nine-month campaign against her. Arm yourself with lemonade and soda crackers, and always be on the lookout.  Those times when the nausea subsides she is going to be ravenous.  Bratwurst at 10 PM not the norm in your household?  Just you wait.  It is no small feat to pack an entire day's caloric intake into the 10 minutes she feels well enough to eat.  Have something ready to go.  But whatever you do, always keep your nausea barometer on high alert, for the next few months "What would you like for dinner?" will become a loaded question.

The nine-month campaign I mentioned doesn't begin and end with her stomach either.  This lady was already a churning cauldron of emotions and you went and threw a double handful of hormonal pop rocks into the mix when you knocked her up.  No matter what foul thing her body puts her (and you) through as part of this pregnancy you must remember this:  You've been just as bad and probably worse for every single day that the two of you have been together.  So suck it up and know that if you ever complain about it, even just one word, you will very likely spend the rest of your (now significantly shortened) life wishing you hadn't.

Remember to keep telling yourself that it's O.K. and everything happening is only temporary.  On the other hand, you need to know that, in order to feel better, she is constantly reminding herself that this is all your fault.  And it is.  But it's okay, because the blame she puts on you right now becomes the credit you can take for her happiness when she finally gets to hold your new baby.

The first trimester isn't easy on anybody.  Just keep reminding yourself that millions of fathers the world over are going through the same thing right now.  And many of them go on to impregnate their wives again of their own free will.

You'll have to excuse me.  I have just been asked to prepare crepes with ricotta filling and fresh fruit, a thick slice of ham, and tater-tot casserole.  Which brings me to the second trimester...

Daddy Rants: A Battle of Wit and Wordplay

I have, on occasion, use this forum to delineate my thoughts on common behaviors that I encounter in my everyday life.  While for the most part, I am an active participant in the lives of my family and close friends, I have always enjoyed people watching.  I try to mitigate my judgmental tendencies with self-deprecating humor.  It is only thanks to my many foibles that I am able to identify those I see around me.

Today's subject is particularly near and dear to my heart.  It is a pastime with a long and storied history and it fits particularly well with the technology of today.  It has many aficionados and I count myself among their number.  The difference is that I at least recognize it for what it is and list it among my guilty pleasures.

I am speaking, of course, about heated debate of a political or controversial nature.

My family, particularly on my father's side, is the reason that I enjoy passionate conversation.  As my wife will tell you, getting us all together is an experiment in multi-target hearing and would be the subject of serial nightmares for any court stenographer.  It could also be compared to standing in a room full of agitated ducks.

Facebook in particular has molded itself well to the ideal format for an argument.  The ability for anybody to write out comments in reaction and counter-reaction to somebody's statement fulfills everything an accomplished arguer could ask for.  You can review and research your opinion as you are creating it, and your opponent's statement is conveniently written out for you to pick apart point by point.

See, the point of debate, especially online, is not to sway the opinion of your opponent or audience.  The point is to flex your intellectual muscle and show off those syntactic skills.  When engaged in a good debate I am so consumed with finding more compelling and eloquent ways to defend my mindset that my audience is rendered inconsequential and my opponent exists only to postulate more philosophical clay pigeons for the double-barreled shotgun of my logic.

It is very similar to blogging.

It is also very similar to masturbation.

Though there are many many more similes to be drawn between using Facebook for passionate debate and the act of self-pleasure I will abandon this line of thought. After all, my mother sometimes reads this blog.

Here are a few reason why Facebook is the perfect forum for matching wits against the masses:

1. The 'like' button is available on everything.  This allows instant feedback on the brilliance (or lack therof) contained in an argument.  For an audience member, it is the equivalent of murmuring general approval.

2. The ability to see individual threads of specific argument is far superior to the # tagging that Twitter employs

3. The ability to see and measure the quality of conversation simply by the number of comments it generates.  I have never seen a post that earned more than twenty comments without being overcome with curiosity and seeing what all the fuss was about.

4. The notification feature allows you to immediately know when somebody has responded, either in agreement or in their continued ignorance.

Regardless of its inherent selfishness and the narcissism it implies, I enjoy both blogging and engaging in online debates.  And while I appreciate each and every one of my readers (especially those of you who 'like' my Facebook page) I know that even if there was nobody out there reading this I would still have to write it, for I have tasted the sweet nectar of sermonizing, and God help me I like it.

Added bonus- embedded video!

This is the job for which I have been searching my whole life.

Sides of a Coin

We've been going through a period of loss in our life right now.  It started more than two years ago when my wife was laid off from her job.  We had to make some major changes to our lifestyle in order to make ends meet.  She has been looking for a job ever since, but all she has to show for it is a handful of preliminary interviews and no job offers.  Later that same year I agreed to move to the graveyard shift, after being compelled by the idea that it was the only way my career with the company would move forward.  My wife's unemployment benefits ran out about a year after her layoff, and despite all the hubbub about "extending benefits for the unemployed" in the political media, for some reason she has been unable to qualify for any extension since then.  In 2010 we accrued thousands of dollars worth of medical bills, some of which we are still paying off today.  After I had finally gotten used to the graveyard shift I was forced to move shifts again, despite never agreeing to do so.  On Thanksgiving of last year, I was fired from my job for an error in judgement.  The actual results of that error were that the customer was given the benefit of doubt and satisfied with the service they were given, and the casino that I was working for made an extra $25 in profit, but management chose to make an example and fire me anyway.  I have since not been able to find employment.  We have lived off the support of our family and government benefit, but it is running out.  I only hope we can keep the house until we are able to sell it, though selling right now may still cost us money we don't have.  I'm uncertain about what tomorrow may bring.


or


We've been going through a period of great gains in our life right now.  It all started about two years ago when my wife decided to make the most of being a stay at home mom.  Our daughter is thriving because of the extra time and support she has received.  We found creative budgeting solutions that work for our family.  I love to cook, and together we were able to design and develop recipes to feed the family and stay within our budget.  We've been very successful in recreating our favorite restaurant dishes at home for a fraction of what they cost when dining out. We were blessed last year with the birth of our son in March.  Our choice to use cloth diapers has quite literally saved us a fortune.  In November my wife started her blog, Obsessions of the Trophy Wife.  This has opened whole new avenues of social support with her fellow bloggers and followers, plus it has allowed her to obtain several new and fun products that she reviews for her readers.  In November I lost my job, but my upward mobility had stalled out and I was no longer able to see eye-to-eye with management.  I have enjoyed my newfound ability to spend time with all of my family.  I am seeing my son grow up firsthand.  For the first time in the history of our marriage I am able to help my daughter with her homework, have dinner with my family, tuck in the kids and go to bed with my wife on a daily basis.  We have been able to maintain our home thanks to the generosity of our family and friends.  We have been able to give more of our time to our church and there we found an amazing network of friends, not to mention a regular outlet for our musical talents (the first in years).  Our family and faith have both been strengthened as a result.  There have been some job prospects, both in our current location and in areas closer to our family, and our future looks very bright.  I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring.




How do you look at your life?

Tonight, On a Very Special Raconteur Daddy

Even though I make my residence in Nebraska, I will always call South Dakota my home.  I still follow South Dakota politics, neither because of my attachment to the state nor due to any great love of politics, but because most of my friends on Facebook still live there and a few are politically active one way or the other.  It was one of those friends that turned me on to a story that touches on a hot-button issue.

There was an editorial written by a local newspaper calling out legislators who are spending their time preparing legislation as a form of political posturing rather then work to enact policy that addresses the issues facing the state.  The letter goes on to state that other legislation, which would require Dept. of Social Service workers to administer drug screenings to welfare recipients, is an unrealistic plan and a waste of legislative time as it is currently written.

This sparked significant debate on my Facebook wall when I linked the story. The debate started with one person asking why I thought drug testing for welfare recipients was a bad idea, and it went on from there.

Here is my take on the subject.  If the government-sponsored aid in question were being used to provide only for an individual, I would support testing that individual for illegal drug use.  However, it is far more likely that the aid is being used to support a family, not just an individual, and that the children in that family are innocent victims of the poor choices and addictions of their elders.

It is these innocent victims who will be forced to suffer when government passes a zero-tolerance "no aid for addicts" law.  Nobody wants to see the government pay to support illegal drug addiction, or any kind of addiction for that matter.  But when you remove the support for addicts, you are removing the support for their families as well.

Most people will respond to this by arguing that any children living in the home ought to be removed in the event their adult provider fails a drug screening.  There is validity in this argument.  After all, a person who cannot pass a drug screening is hardly the ideal parent, and their addiction is likely damaging the well-being of the children.  It is also likely that the addiction is the cause of most of the hardship that caused them to apply for government aid in the first place.  This solution causes a new batch of complications.  The first complication that comes to my mind is that I don't feel like a single failed drug screening should be grounds for the children to be taken from the home.  The process for removing children from the home requires substantial evidence that the parent is unfit, and I don't know that a single failed drug screening should qualify.  If that was the case, then shouldn't we be removing the children from the household for anybody who fails a drug screening, such as those required for work?  To do otherwise seems to be singling out citizens who are already suffering financial hardship.  The idea of a government taking custody of the children based on the results of one drug screening smacks of Gestapo.

The second problem I see is easier to communicate.  There will be parents who simply do not attempt to receive government aid simply because they are too entrenched in their addiction, but do not want to face the prospect of losing their children.  These children will be left without support to suffer until they are removed from the home for some other reason.

It is very easy for politicians today to make the demand that government aid not be used for illegal drugs.  It's hard to argue with that, nobody wants to feel like their tax dollars are supporting a dangerous and illegal addiction.  But with so much support offered so readily, these consequences and several others are overlooked.  The reality of the situation is that most government aid is given in a method that cannot be used to directly purchase drugs.  More likely, the aid is used to cover expenses, such as groceries and utilities, thus freeing up resources that can be spent feeding their addiction. 


So what is the solution?  


I don't know.  I don't claim to know.  But if I can come up with these dangerous pitfalls just off the top of my head, it seems that a zero-tolerance edict is not the way to go.  I would recommend looking at the entire situation, solving the problems in reverse order.  For example:  We want to end government sponsored addiction, so first we need to make sure that the innocent dependents of the addicts are supported.  So before we can do that we need to make sure the programs are in place and funded to cover their increased workload.  Otherwise the children will suffer while lawmakers scurry to fix the problem they created.  Simply put, we need to make sure the safety nets are up before we go pushing people out on the tightrope, rather than installing them after somebody starts falling.


If you've made it this far I would first like to thank you.  Your dedication to listening to my rant is nothing short of remarkable.  I still plan to keep this blog fairly light reading, liberally seasoned with humor.  Remember how, before the era of the "dramady", a sitcom would occasionally warn you that tonight's episode would be free of humor by calling it "a very special" so-and-so?  Well, I suppose this was "a very special" Raconteur Daddy, and I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject.  I promise that the next post will be more fun.  Maybe I'll throw a fart joke in there.

I'm not uncool, I'm just out of fashion right now.

I've had a longstanding pet peeve for some time now.  By "some time" I mean it began about ten seconds after I became a parent.  There seems to be a complete inability in Hollywood to write a realistic father character.  Nearly every "Dad" character on television is a complete idiot.  They are all completely out of touch with their families.  They are only motivated by sex, food, beer, sports, gadgets, or the chance to be lazy.  They all manage to ignore their wife and embarrass their children.  Fathers with daughters are all awkward and overprotective.  But at least the daughters fare better than the sons, who either have a big idiot trying to be their pal instead of a real parent or are ignored completely.  Homer Simpson was supposed to be a caricature of all the male foibles, but he has instead become the basis for nearly every male character on television or movies today.

I understand that the life of an average father would not make for an entertaining movie or television show.  I'm not so naive as to believe I should be able to turn on the television and find a reflection of myself.  But I do believe that I should be able to find at least one male parent character with which I can identify on at least a few minor points.  Am I so unique that my actions and beliefs are completely alien to society at large?

It did not used to be so.  Despite their current status as a modern-era joke, I find that the fathers made famous by Bill Cosby, Alan Thicke, and even Bob Saget to be a more realistic representation of the average father's daily life, if only slightly so.

Here are a few pointers for any budding screenwriters out there:

• A real dad can change a diaper, however foul, without having to choke back vomit.
• A real dad may be a sports fan, but he wouldn't hurt his wife's or children's feelings in order to somehow "catch the big game" (see anniversaries, school plays, dance recitals, etc.)
• A real dad can talk to his daughter about any issue (even "girl stuff") and while Mom will likely be included, she will not have to handle it alone.
• A real dad doesn't turn into a drooling idiot when presented with either an attractive woman or the possibility of actual sex.
• A real dad may make corny jokes, or embarrass their family, but it is not a fundamental building block of their entire way of thinking.
• A real dad would not completely lose it if he found his son playing with a doll, or showing off a dance move, or some other "feminine" action.
• A real dad can sit through an opera, or a ballet, or some other event he attends purely for his wife's enjoyment, without making an ass of himself.
• A real dad, when asked by his wife how she looks in an outfit, can look at his wife, assess what is right and wrong with the outfit, and give her a helpful answer without throwing a temper tantrum or clutching his collar in a nervous sweat.

 Even if I were a gay man trying to raise a child, I'd still be pissed at how screenwriters portray fathers.  As far as Hollywood is concerned, gay fathers turn into screeching pools of ineptitude at the slightest issue with their children.  While the writers are attempting to be "forward-thinking" and "open-minded" they still manage to pander to the archaic stereotype "queer".

Commercials, though, are the worst.  If I were to boycott every product that portrayed "Dad" as a lummox and source of all the family tribulation I would have to learn to live without painkillers, cleaning products, and a whole slew of household goods.

I know I'm not alone.  I know there are other great dads out there that love to spend time with their families and can communicate with their wives as well as their children.  I'm just saying that it would be nice to see one on TV once in awhile.